


home.

by NishiKuroo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, M/M, Please be warned, bc mine truly did, i cried too much, i think your heart will break, idk why i wrote this, ily suga im sorry, lots of ansgt, love you guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:28:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27051925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NishiKuroo/pseuds/NishiKuroo
Summary: /həʊm/in which Daichi and Suga figure out the true meaning of home.[TW : mentions of s*lf h*rm, bl00d and su*c*de !!!! read at your own risk]
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	home.

**Author's Note:**

> It's my first time writing in a while so I'm not sure if this would be good but I just wanted to say that I'm in no way romanticising the sensitive topics mentioned, I wanted to capture more of the loss that comes with it.

Daichi chuckled as he heard Suga groan and drop his head onto his textbook again. “Careful Suga-san. If you keep doing that, you might not have a brain anymore,” he joked. He realised that Suga had been exceptionally quiet and exhausted lately, but he knew that if he wasn’t feeling well, he’d let Daichi know. After all, they are best friends. 

Daichi’s smile fell a little when Suga picked his head up to look at him. The dark circles under his eyes were more prominent and his skin was paler than he remembered. _‘Maybe he really is going through something,’_ Daichi thought. Suga let out a soft laugh and stifled a yawn.

“Suga-san, are you okay?” Daichi questioned. His concern for his grey-haired best friend only grew when Suga brushed it off. “Yeah, yeah. I haven’t been able to sleep well recently, but don’t worry about me! I’ll be fine!” he flashed Daichi his signature, pearly-white smile and gave him a thumbs-up. 

Before Daichi could interrogate any further, his best friend jumped up and pointed out that it was time to head to the gym for volleyball practice. The two made their way to the club room to change out of their school uniforms. The weather was warmer today, which confused Daichi even more when he turned around and saw Suga wearing the Karasuno jacket zipped all the way up. They barely left the room before Daichi felt himself starting to sweat a bit.

“Suga-san, aren’t you uncomfortable? It’s really warm outside,” he asked as they made their way down the stairs. Suga stuffed his hands into his pockets and tried to pull his sleeves down further. _‘If he finds out, it would break him,’_ Suga thought. _‘But he deserves to know.’_

_‘Crap. I’m not ready to tell him yet. What do I say?’_ Suga started to panic and blurted out the first excuse he could think of. “I’m anemic.” Daichi paused and stared at him, processing what he just said. _‘Maybe that explains the dark circles and pale skin,’_ Daichi thought. “We’ve been best friends since first year, Suga-san. Why are you only saying this now? Are you sure you can still play?” Worry was written all over his face.

Suga looked away, his guilt immediately consuming him. _‘Damn it, why did I say that? Why didn’t I tell him the truth?’_ He took a deep breath before turning back to face Daichi and shooting him another signature Sugawara smile. “Yeah of course! I wouldn’t play if I couldn’t handle it,” he reassured.

Before any of them could say something, a loud voice cried out from behind them. They turned around to see Tanaka running towards them. “Daichi! Suga!” he screeched in excitement. Suga giggled and he didn’t even need to turn to the captain beside him to know his expression. 

“Oi, stop being so noisy!” Daichi chided when Tanaka finally reached them. “Ahh, don’t be like that, captain! I know you missed me,” Tanaka smirked, throwing his arms over the seniors. The three continued to make their way to the gym, all secretly wishing for the same thing. Daichi slid open the doors, already knowing what they’d see, _or who they wouldn’t see._

_No Asahi, no Nishinoya._

The three all slumped their shoulders at this realisation, but suddenly got distracted by two other voices. They whipped their heads to the foreign voices, but somewhat familiar faces.

_Tobio Kageyama._

_Shoyo Hinata._

They were both arguing, completely oblivious to the seniors watching them. Suga continued observing with an amused expression as Daichi nicely tried to break up the argument. When that didn’t work, Tanaka jumped in.

_Well, this should be interesting._

_____________________

It was finally the qualifiers. 

Their first match against Tokonami High was about to begin. Everyone was completely nervous. Suga was shaking, even though he was wearing his jacket. He rubbed the bandages wrapping his forearms, thankfully hidden by the sleeves. No one had found out the real reason yet, not even Daichi. The guilt was starting to eat at him, so he made a promise that he would tell him soon.

Hinata was the first to ask about his bandages, but Suga managed to convince him it was because he fell and scraped his forearms on a run.

Coach Ukai and Mr. Takeda gave their pep talks, leaving Daichi to speak last. He turned to the rest of the team, his smile radiating confidence. Suga couldn’t help but smile as he watched him. He thought about how far they’ve come ever since joining the club as freshmen. 

The whistle blew, and the team gathered in a circle. Suga watched each of his teammates’ faces, before shifting his focus to Daichi. The confident smile he wore never faltered. 

As Suga watched the captain of the team, his best friend, he had never felt more proud.

**_‘Karasuno, fight!’_ **

_____________________

Karasuno lost to Aoba Johsai in the third round.

The entire team ate their dinner in silence, with tears streaming down their faces. Nobody knew what to say. Daichi and Suga looked at each other with solemn expressions. Even after all that, Suga still managed to give Daichi a soft smile before turning back to his food.

Daichi felt at peace whenever he was with Suga. Even through all the bad times. They were always by each other’s side no matter what. He continued to stare at Suga a little longer, taking in everything about him.

The way there was always a soft smile on his lips, the way his eyes sparkled, the way his hair was somehow always perfect, the little mole below his eye.

He always knew he had feelings for Suga, but he was too scared to admit it.

Daichi and Suga made their way home when everyone was done with their meal. They walked in silence for a couple minutes before Suga spoke up. “Hey, do you wanna take the long way home? The route we used to walk back in first year?” 

Daichi smiled and nodded his head. He knew it was Suga’s favourite route because of the garden that had the swings, but they stopped walking there because of how tired they were after practice. They continued to walk in silence as they walked straight instead of taking the usual right turn. Daichi looked at Suga only to find him staring up at the stars, his hands stuffed in his pockets as usual. 

It was then that Daichi realised he rarely saw Suga without outerwear anymore. In school, his sleeves would be rolled down instead of up to his elbows, and during practice, he would wear the beige sweater or his Karasuno jacket. 

_‘Maybe he just gets cold easily because of his anemia,’_ he thought. Just as he was about to ask Suga about it, his voice cut the silence first.

“Hey Daichi, what does ‘home’ mean to you?” he asked softly. Daichi stopped and watched Suga’s back as he continued to make his way to the swings in the middle of the garden. Suga may be the nicest and the mother of the team, but it was usually Daichi asking the deep questions whenever they talked.

“Oi, are you just gonna stand there and wait for a red carpet?” Suga joked. Daichi shook his head and laughed as he sat on the swing beside Suga. 

_‘What does home mean to me?’_

Daichi thought about it for a while before answering. “Well, to me, home is wherever my family is. Wherever my comfort zone and safe space is. Wherever I’m happy,” he looked at Suga, realising that he was looking at what he just described.

He opened his mouth to continue, but immediately stopped when he registered Suga’s appearance. He was shaking despite the air being still, his jacket suddenly looked more oversized on him, his skin was almost snow-like, the dark circles under his eyes were getting worse, but what broke his heart was seeing Suga trying to hold back tears as he continued looking up at the stars.

“Koushi…” Daichi had never called him by his first name before, but Suga couldn’t ignore the butterflies. “What does home mean to _you?_ ” Daichi continued, keeping his voice soft. Despite being best friends for three years, he had rarely seen Suga cry other than losing a match.

Suga let out an empty laugh as he finally let the tears fall. He closed his eyes for a few seconds before taking a breath and smiling sadly at Daichi.

“I don’t know. I’ve never felt it before.”

Daichi was absolutely heartbroken. It hurt him seeing his best friend like that. Suga was always so positive and light hearted, always encouraging the team no matter what. Hell, Suga was even proud of Kageyama instead of getting mad. To Daichi, Suga had the purest soul in the world who didn’t deserve hurt or sadness.

As he followed his instinct to hug and comfort Suga, he noticed something. Tiny red stains at the bottom of Suga’s white shirt, near the side. They were barely noticeable, but he still managed to catch a glimpse before pulling Suga in. As Daichi embraced him, everything started to click in his mind.

The dark circles, the pale skin, losing weight, always covering his arms.

He decided not to address it because he trusted that Suga would tell him when he was ready, but he hugged him tighter and whispered, “hey, you know I’m always here for you no matter what. If you need someone to talk to, just come to me. Just come home.”

_____________________

After that day, Daichi became more observant towards Suga. Whenever they walked to school together, he always made sure to bring bread for Suga in case he hadn’t eaten breakfast. He would constantly check up on him and try his best to cheer him up.

Suga was slowly opening up to Daichi about how he was feeling, which he was thankful for. But whenever they parted ways, Daichi’s mind would linger with Suga. He was starting to get frustrated because he didn’t know how to help him. He didn’t know how to make him feel better.

_He felt like a useless best friend._

That night, as he was about to fall asleep, Daichi’s phone buzzed.

**Suga [11:42pm] : hey, you awake?**

**Daichi [11:42pm] : yeah, what’s wrong?**

A minute passed by and still no answer. Daichi started to get worried, and all possibility of falling asleep disappeared. 

_Did something happen to Suga? Is he okay? Does he need help?_

Daichi’s mind was running wild with questions and possibilities when his phone buzzed again. 

**Suga [11:45pm] : can you meet me at the swings in 10 minutes?**

**Daichi [11:45pm] : yeah of course. I’ll see you there. Stay safe alright?**

**Suga [11.45pm] : thank you, daichi. I will, and you too.**

It took Suga 3 minutes to reply, but Daichi felt like it had been hours. He quickly got up and threw a jacket over his pajamas before quietly slipping out of the house. He wore his shoes and made his way to Suga’s favourite garden. On the way, he started to remember the memories they made there.

It was nicknamed as ‘The Garden of Hope’, because every time they went there feeling down, they would always leave feeling happier. Suga came up with the name after they found the place. It was after their seniors had lost their last match.

That day, they spent hours just talking on the swings, laying on the grass, admiring all the flowers surrounding them. They talked about their future, about how Suga wanted to be a teacher and how Daichi wanted to be a policeman. They talked about how amazing it would be to play at Nationals, or how much ramen Daichi could eat in one sitting. By the time they had to leave, they felt a new sense of hope; like things would get better soon.

It wasn’t long before he reached the garden and saw Suga already sitting on the swings with his knees up to his chest. When Daichi got closer, Suga suddenly shot up and whipped his head around. His eyes had an alarmed look, but he relaxed the moment he realised it was just Daichi. 

Suga gave him a tired smile after he got comfortable on the swing. They sat in silence for a minute before Suga turned to him again and said, “Thank you Daichi, it really means alot to me.”

“Hey, when I said I’m here for you, I mean it,” he replied. The silence surrounded them once more. Daichi didn’t know what to say or do. Suga could feel his worry and frustration. He felt horrible because he knew Daichi wanted to help, but Suga also wasn't letting him in.

**[TRIGGER WARNING]**

He finally turned to Daichi and removed his sweater. Suga looked him in the eyes, trying to hold back tears, as he said, “I’m three days clean.”

That was when Daichi finally saw them. Suga’s arms. They were filled with lines. Some short, some long, some healed, some fresh, some thin, some thick. Daichi felt a stab to his heart as he looked at each scar.

“Suga…” Daichi was speechless. For each scar, Suga went through something horrible alone. Tears threatened to fall from Daichi’s eyes, but he held them back. _‘I have to be strong. For Suga.’_

He didn’t say anything, but instead pulled Suga into a hug so tight, he hoped all of Suga’s broken pieces would come together. At that moment, Daichi made a promise to the both of them. 

_He promised that Suga would never feel like he’s alone, no matter what._

Neither of them wanted to let go. They stayed in each other’s arms, even when Suga broke down crying. He gripped Daichi’s arms, silently begging him. 

_‘Please, please don’t leave me’_

And for the first time in years, Daichi said a silent prayer.

_‘Please, I’m begging you, please take his pain away.’_

_____________________

Ever since that night at the garden, Daichi suddenly felt hatred towards the world and everything beyond. He couldn’t explain why, but he refused to notice how beautiful the world was around him. 

_It’s just a cruel place that’s unfair to the most kindhearted people._

It had only been two weeks. Daichi noticed Suga falling asleep in class more often, neglecting his studies more, and losing weight rapidly. The only time he ever saw Suga lively was during practice. 

He knew that Suga was only putting on an act in front of the juniors and freshmen, and so far, it was working. Nobody questioned his use of jackets and sweaters, or whenever he went to the toilet to change instead of the club room. 

Daichi checked Suga’s arms whenever they walked to school together. He felt like an asshole whenever he saw Suga reluctantly roll up his sleeves. It was difficult for Suga at first, but he gave in because he trusted Daichi. He promised himself that he would try his best to stop, because seeing Daichi’s expression that night broke his heart.

After practice, the pair walked to the garden again. This time, Daichi noticed something different. Suga’s eyes were sparkling, and they weren’t the stars reflected in them. They were genuinely sparkling. 

A tiny smile appeared on his face as he nudged Suga. “You seem to be in a better mood today,” he pointed out. Suga chuckled and Daichi felt his heart leap. He always loved hearing his laugh. 

“Yeah, I actually feel okay. It’s been forever since I felt this way,” Suga kicked a pebble as they crossed the road. Suddenly, he turned to face Daichi with a grin. Oh, that smile. It could melt even the coldest heart. 

“Race you there!” Suga sprinted ahead, leaving Daichi stunned as he processed what happened. “Oi, dumbass! Don’t cry if you fall down!” He jokingly called after Suga as he chased him. 

When they finally reached their hideaway, they both plopped onto the grass as they caught their breath. After a couple minutes of calming down, they made eye contact and burst out laughing.

Neither of them knew why, but that was the moment that Suga realised he only felt genuine happiness with Daichi, especially when they were playing volleyball together. 

They laid down on the grass and stared up at the stars in silence. Suga’s voice was soft, barely above a whisper, “the world is so beautiful.”

Daichi turned to look at him, studying his expression. Suga looked peaceful for once. The way his chest rose and fell steadily comforted Daichi. He was ready to retort with his hatred for the world, but stopped himself as he continued resting his eyes on Suga’s figure. 

_‘He’s still here. Thank you for still holding on. I know it’s tough, but you’re the strongest person I know.’_

He switched his position so he was fully facing Suga. “Why do you think so?” he questioned him instead. Daichi had never said it, but he loved the way Suga’s mind worked. He loved hearing his thoughts, good or bad. He felt like Suga saw the world differently, that even at his lowest, he could still find silver linings. 

They spent hours talking again. From the moon and sun to aliens to volleyball to their insecurities. By the time they ran out of things to talk about, it was past midnight. 

As they got ready to make their way home, Suga turned to Daichi. “I promise I’ll stop, for you.” Daichi was shocked. _‘He… He would do that for me?’_ He knew that it wouldn’t be easy for Suga, but he was willing to stay by his side every step of the way. “Koushi, you don’t have to promise me. I know it’s difficult,” he replied. 

Suga smiled at him once more. “As long as I’m with you, I can get through anything.”

Daichi knew that healing and recovery was never easy, but he didn’t expect everything to go downhill so quickly.

_____________________

A week before the Tokyo training camp, the entire team was in high spirits, even Suga. He was getting more rest and he started to eat more each day. His skin was starting to gain more colour and he slowly stopped using his jacket. Both Daichi and Suga felt like he was making good progress.

Suga was 27 days clean.

Daichi had been so supportive, always checking up on Suga. He always gave Suga space whenever he needed it, but he never left his side. Everyday, Daichi never failed to let him know how proud he was.

Friday night, Daichi was studying, but none of the material was entering his brain. He felt like something was off. He had an uneasy feeling in his stomach. _‘Maybe it was something I ate earlier,’_ he reassured himself.

His mind then wandered to Suga. _‘I wonder if he…’_ He didn’t finish his thought before mentally scolding himself. _‘No! Don’t think that way, Sawamura. It’s like you don’t trust him. He’s okay. If he wasn’t, he would’ve texted me,’_ he continued to reassure himself.

As if the world was mocking him, his phone buzzed. He grabbed it and as his eyes scanned the message, his heart stopped.

**Suga [1:04am] : Daivhi.. hrlp**

He didn’t hesitate before jumping up and running out of the house. He didn’t even think to wear his shoes or a jacket. All he thought about was Suga.

_‘No no no no no. Please be okay, please be okay!’_

He ignored the cold wind biting his exposed arms. He ignored the gravel digging into his feet. He pulled out his phone and tried calling Suga. 

It went straight to voicemail.

_‘I’m almost there. Hold on Suga, I’m coming.’_

After what seemed like forever, Daichi finally saw the familiar house. He forced his legs to keep going. He burst through the front door and called out Suga’s name.

No reply.

He ran around the house frantically until he finally found him in his bed. Daichi continued to walk into Suga’s bedroom, but he just laid motionless.

**[TRIGGER WARNING]**

His eyes scanned the room until he saw the tissues on the floor and scattered on the blanket. They were all red. He immediately rushed to Suga, checking his pulse. _‘It’s weak, it’s barely there. But it’s still there. I can still save him,’_ it was taking all of him not to break down.

He shook Suga, begging him to wake up. When he didn’t respond, Daichi looked at Suga’s arms. The bleeding hadn’t stopped. Tears fell as he took off his shirt and put pressure on his arms. He prayed again that it would stop, that Suga would wake up.

_‘I can’t lose you. I know it’s selfish, but you keep me going too. So please, please give me a sign that you’re still here. Please come back to me,’_ he silently begged.

Nothing. After 5 minutes, there was still nothing.

Daichi couldn’t hold it in anymore. He let the tears continue falling as he loosened his grip on the shirt around Suga’s arm. 

At the same time, Suga was slipping in and out of consciousness. He felt cold despite the thick blanket covering the rest of his body. He could hear Daichi, and he felt his heart break.

_‘I’m sorry, Sawamura. You don’t deserve this,’_ he thought.

He wanted so badly to call out to Daichi, to wipe his tears away and hug him. He felt guilty that Daichi had to go through the pain of seeing his best friend in this state. Suga never meant for this to happen. He thought he was getting better, he really did. He wanted to make Daichi proud, but some things just get heavier the longer you carry them. 

He knew he should’ve talked to Daichi when it got too much, but he didn’t want to burden his best friend. At that moment, he thought about how selfish he was really being. He constantly pushed his best friend away despite him always waiting with open arms, waiting for him to come back home.

_Home_.

Suga tried one last time to open his eyes, move a finger, let out a whisper, to do anything to let Daichi know he was still there.

And Daichi felt Suga squeeze his hand.

He shot up from the floor and he saw Suga slowly cracking open his eyes.

_‘You’re still here, thank God you’re still here.’_

Suga’s voice broke, “I’m sorry.” Daichi smiled through his tears and didn’t say anything as he hugged Suga tightly. “There’s no need to be sorry, I understand.”

Suga’s heart ached. _‘He’s not mad… Even after I broke my promise, he’s not angry, he’s not blaming me.’_

Just then, Suga felt everything at once. The cold wind coming in from the window, the pain in his arm, the tears from Daichi wetting his shoulder, Daichi’s heartbeat against his own. His body started shaking and he started crying as well.

After a few minutes, Daichi helped Suga clean and wrap his arms up and get rid of the tissues around the floor. Once all that was done, Suga weakly tugged at Daichi’s shirt. “Sawamura, can you stay?”

Daichi smiled as he got into bed beside Suga. “Of course. I’d never leave you.”

He wrapped his arm around Daichi’s torso and laid his head on his chest. Suga could still hear Daichi’s rapid heartbeat. 

“I’m sor-” Daichi cut him off. “If you apologise again, I will push you off your own bed.”

The both of them let out soft chuckles and Daichi tightened his grip on Suga.

_‘I broke my promise. I’m sorry Suga. I’m sorry if you felt alone again.’_

“You don’t have to apologise, Koushi. I understand that it’s not easy recovering and staying clean. I can’t say I know how you feel, because I don’t. I can’t even imagine what you’re feeling now. But I just want to remind you that I’m always here for you no matter what,” Daichi whispered as he played with Suga’s hair. “You don’t have to tell me why you did it if you don’t want to. I’ll stay for as long as you need me to.”

After that, they laid in silence, and eventually, they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

_____________________

Suga stayed home for the entire weekend with Daichi by his side. They watched movies, ate their favourite food, stargazed on Suga’s roof, and just talked.

By the time they reached the school Sunday evening to go to Tokyo, Suga had begun to feel better, but Daichi was still wary and continued to keep an eye on him. Coach Ukai, Mr. Takeda and Kiyoko were already waiting by the bus.

As the Karasuno team made their way to Tokyo, the bus was full of noise instead of silence. Obviously, Nishinoya and Tanaka were the loudest. Daichi would shout at them a little here and there, but gave up when Suga joined in on the banter.

“Stop being such a strict dad and loosen up,” Suga jokingly nudged his shoulder. 

Daichi couldn’t help but notice the way Suga’s eyes crinkled whenever he laughed, how it sounded like the most comforting thing in the world, how being beside him just felt so right. 

After a couple hours, the bus fell silent as the noisy duo succumbed to their exhaustion. Suga was sleeping on Daichi’s shoulder, soft snores escaping his slightly open mouth. 

“I hope you’re at least having a good dream,” Daichi murmured as he rested his head on top of Suga’s. He listened to the sound of their heart beats slowly syncing with each other until it was just one sound. 

No matter how hard he tried, Daichi couldn’t stop thinking about how he could help Suga. He didn’t want to push his boundaries, but he also didn’t want to just sit back and watch Suga slowly break down. 

He then tried to remember the things they did together; things that could calm Suga down, things that brought a genuine smile to his face. 

Thinking about Suga smiling brought a smile to Daichi’s own face. He chuckled lightly as he played with Suga’s hair, thinking of the stupid things they did as freshmen. 

And in that moment, Daichi made a promise to always be there for Suga, no matter what. 

During the training camp, Suga was way more positive than usual; complimenting and motivating the team even more. 

Despite losing the majority of the practice matches, Suga’s optimism never failed to boost the team’s morale. He constantly praised everyone’s efforts, especially Kageyama’s. 

Daichi saw this as a good sign, _or so he thought._

He finally found out the real reason a week before the Spring Inter-High. 

_____________________

The pair had agreed to meet for an all-nighter at a cafe to study. When Daichi reached, there was no sign of his chaotic yet soft best friend. There wasn’t a text, either. 

He thought that Suga was just running late or his phone had died, but as the seconds ticked by, an uncomfortable feeling started spreading in his chest to his stomach. It was all too familiar, and all too alarming.

_‘The last time I felt this… It was before he messaged me for help. Please be okay,’_ he thought to himself as he pulled his phone out, as if another text for help would pop up. 

He glanced at the time. 

10.45pm. 

Suga was 45 minutes late. And he was almost never late.

Daichi’s instincts told him to run. To run all the way to Suga’s house. Because Suga wasn’t okay, because he needed help. 

So that’s what he did.

He ignored the stares from others around him as he grabbed his stuff and rushed out of the cafe. The only thing he could hear was his heartbeat syncing with his feet hitting the ground. He ran faster than he ever did.

He tried to call Suga’s phone while trying to figure out the fastest way to get to him.

When his calls were sent straight to voicemail for the third time in a row, he felt his heart threatening to jump out of his mouth. He continued sprinting towards a familiar house that wasn’t his, not being able to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach.

As he burst through Suga’s front door, he felt a sense of deja vu, and the house had suddenly become colder. Pushing the memory aside, he made a beeline to Suga’s room, praying that it wouldn’t be a repeat of last time; that maybe Suga just fell asleep from exhaustion and that’s why he wasn't picking up the phone. 

**[TRIGGER WARNING]**

As he cracked open his bedroom door, Daichi tried to prepare for the worst. But nothing could prepare him for what he saw next. 

Suga was on his bed, but no sign of red tissues. Just a pool below the arm hanging off the edge of the bed.

Daichi felt his heart stop. He couldn't move. He couldn’t process the scene in front of him.

He wanted to call out his name, to beg him to wake up, but his voice was caught in his throat. He wanted so badly to hold Suga in his arms, to shake him, to see his eyes open and hear his laugh again, but he was just frozen at the doorway.

Daichi didn’t feel the tears running down his face, he didn’t feel his legs give up, he didn’t feel his knees hit the floor, or the shouts leaving his mouth.

All he could think about was that Suga was gone.

He crawled to his lifeless body, taking his hand in his. Daichi let his head fall onto Suga’s unmoving shoulder, letting the realisation hit him.

Suga’s gone.

His home was gone.

He didn’t get to say goodbye.

He didn’t live up to his promise, about how he made sure that Suga would never feel alone again.

It might’ve been minutes, even hours since Daichi had his head on Suga’s shoulder, his knees to his chest, the love of his life’s hand in his. He didn’t care how long it had been, he didn’t want to leave Suga’s side even if he left Daichi’s long ago. 

Through the tears, he noticed a small piece of paper at the foot of the bed. It was small, but still big enough to look out of place.

Without letting go, he reached over and grabbed the thin piece of paper. It was an envelope, addressed to him.

His heart stopped as he took in Suga’s familiar handwriting. Every stroke, every line, every curve. 

After a few minutes, Daichi finally got the courage to carefully open it. His mind was racing with a million questions. Was this going to be a letter full of hatred? Sadness? Hurt?

He couldn’t stop his hands from shaking as he tore open the letter carefully, trying his best to avoid creating the jagged tears. He swore his heart stopped beating as he pulled out the folded piece of paper. 

He noticed the small, wet splotches scattered here and there. 

_Suga cried while writing this letter to him._

Despite all the memories the pair had made over the past 3 years, Daichi felt like this was truly the only thing from Suga he had. He knew he would never let it go. 

He drew in a shaky breath as he prepared to read Suga’s last words. 

_Dear Daichi,_

_Stop crying! If I was there, I’d definitely hit you while screaming ‘negativity begone!’. I can’t say I understand how you’re feeling. Mad? Upset? Hurt? Maybe even betrayed? But whatever you’re feeling, I hope you don’t blame yourself. None of this is your fault. I know you did your best to be there for me, even at my lowest; and for that, I’m forever grateful. You stood by me through the good and bad. You never once gave up on me. When I said I wanted to quit, it was because of your faith in me. Faith that I could actually get through this. Faith that I was stronger than I thought I was. I never understood what home meant until that night. All my life, I thought home was a place with four walls. A place where you live, and whenever you’d leave, you’d have someone waiting for you. I finally realised that home doesn’t have to be a place; because your arms weren’t four walls. Your arms would always be there waiting for me to come back if I ever left. So Sawamura Daichi, thank you for being my home; my lifeline. I never meant for this to happen, for you to go through this, but I finally decided that there’s another home that I want to go back to. I’m sorry Daichi, I got tired and I wanted to rest. I want to thank you and everyone else for making my last week so amazing. Seeing you guys grow at such an incredible pa_ ce _assured me that you’d all be fine without me. Thank you for always being there for me, for loving me when I couldn’t even love myself, for always being a reminder that life was worth living. Don’t worry, I’ll always be watching over you and the team, and I’ll always be cheering you guys on no matter what. Please, make it to the nationals; not for me, but for yourself and Asahi._

_I love you, Sawamura Daichi._

  * _Koushi Sugawara_



The last line was the final straw; the final punch to the gut. It registered that he’d never be able to say those three words to Suga, nor would he ever be able to hear the same words from him. 

Daichi thought back to all the chances he had, but never took. All those nights at the garden, walking back home, the all-nighters at the cafe, the study sessions at the library. 

If he could go back in time, he would take all those chances to look Suga in the eyes and say “I love you”. He would create more chances for the both of them to utter those three words. He would spend as much time as he could, and hold him as close and as long as he could. He would run his fingers through Suga’s hair and spend countless nights falling asleep together. He would find a way to go to space and capture all the stars just for Suga. 

It was probably a few more hours before Daichi finally decided to get up and clean the mess before doing whatever else was necessary. 

As he watched the love of his life get taken away on a stretcher, he made one last promise to Suga; _they were going to nationals even if it’s the last thing they do._

_____________________

Daichi mentally prepared himself before entering the gym. He had no idea how the team would react to the news. Once more, he hoped for the best but prepared for the worst as he slid open the doors. 

The noise and banter immediately halted as the rest of the team took note of their captain’s red, puffy eyes and defeated demeanour. They also noticed the lack of his other half trailing in beside him. 

Five. 

They counted five seconds of silence and no Suga. 

Five seconds and no chaotic energy. 

Five seconds before Daichi’s weak voice echoed throughout the gym. 

“Suga… He… He’s gone.”

Five more seconds passed. 

_One ; Daichi’s words bounced off the walls._

_Two ; The words entered everyone else’s ears._

_Three ; They tried to comprehend it._

_Four ; It finally registered._

_Five ; That’s when it hit them, all of them, all at once._

Asahi was speechless. The juniors broke down in tears. The freshmen were stunned, not knowing how to react. It was clear on Kageyama’s face, but before he could blame himself for being one of the reasons, Daichi gave him a look. 

A look that said, “it wasn’t your fault, if anything, he was extremely proud of you.”

That was all it took for Kageyama to let his pride crumble and finally let his emotions take over. He couldn’t help but feel like he was one of the causes why. He still couldn’t help but blame himself.

No one said anything as their cries echoed throughout the gym. 

_They knew that nothing would be the same again._

_____________________

Karasuno finally made it to the nationals.

As the whistle sounded signifying the end of the Karasuno and Shiratorizawa, both Daichi and Asahi hugged each other in tears.

_‘We did it, we made it to nationals for you, Suga. I hope you’re proud of us.’_

Ever since the team received the news on Suga, they collectively made a pact to continue fighting for him.

As Daichi and Asahi continued hugging, they swore they felt one more person joining the duo.

And they knew he was watching over them, no doubt having his proud, motherly smile occupying his lips.

Before each and every match of the Spring Interhigh Qualifiers, the team would take a moment to honour Suga.

And as soon as it was time to start the match, Daichi would let his voice and his words be heard by the audience.

_“Karasuno, fight!_ **_For Suga!_ ** _”_

_____________________

It was the end of the first day of nationals. Daichi sighed as he glanced at the barely visible clock hanging on the wall. His eyes could barely make out the hands pointing to 12:03. He turned to his teammates who were sleeping peacefully despite the uncertainty that the next day would bring.

Giving in to his impulsive mind, he got up soundlessly and threw on his jacket and slippers before sliding out the door, being careful not to wake anyone up. He decided that a walk would be able to clear his head and help him fall asleep faster.

As he started to pace aimlessly, his mind brought him back to Suga. Would things be different if he were here? Would everyone still be on edge even with Suga calming them down? Would Coach Ukai have been able to think of different strategies with Suga’s help? 

Daichi felt like he was walking for a good few minutes, but as he took in his surroundings, he realised he was lost. He was so consumed by his thoughts that he hadn’t realised that he probably made a wrong turn.

He let out a huff as he started to think of retracing his steps when a tiny garden caught his eye. He contemplated for a few moments before he felt himself slowly grow closer. Maybe it was because he missed the Garden of Hope, but he knew no other garden could replace it. 

Either way, he took a seat on one of the benches and continued to reminisce his fondest moments at the Garden with Suga.

**_Daichi plucked a flower that Suga was busy admiring. Too busy admiring to even listen to what Daichi was ranting about. The moment the delicate object was removed from Suga’s eyesight, he gasped and looked at Daichi with a playful pout._ **

**_The latter just laughed as he tucked the flower behind his best friend’s ear as a joke. “Suga, what a pretty boy you are,” he joked as Suga’s pout remained. Right after that, Suga chided Daichi on how he was killing flowers and how ‘heartless’ he could be to the flower’s family members._ **

**_At that moment, all Daichi could think about was how truly pretty Suga looked._ **

**_“If you were a flower, I’d kill you first because the prettiest always get plucked first,” he’d laugh._ **

**_And he wanted to freeze time when he saw Suga blush and stutter. It was the first time Daichi had finally seen some colour in his partner’s face after weeks._ **

**_If only he told him he loves him instead of saying that._ **

**_“Well, all I know is that flowers can cheer anyone up, no matter who they’re from. I mean if I got flowers from my worst enemy, I’d still hate them, don’t get me wrong. But it would definitely make me feel better somehow,” Suga trailed off as he laid back down on the grass._ **

**_Daichi hadn’t realised that Suga was already talking about something else other than ‘killing flowers’._ **

**_‘Only you could turn something so ugly into something beautiful,’ he thought as he continued staring at the figure laying beside him, eyes twinkling from the stars._ **

Daichi was taken back to reality as he felt the salty tears rolling down his cheeks and falling onto his fingers.

**Fuck. Why was the world so unfair?**

He didn’t hold back as he finally let his pain and anger out. He shouted at the moon, seemingly mocking him.

The same moon they used to gaze up at.

The same moon he talked to about Suga.

The same moon who knew the words that Suga never got to hear.

The same moon right in the middle of the stars.

The stars that Suga joined.

Daichi felt his heart ache as he continued to question the world. Why did it have to take Suga away from him so soon? What did he do to deserve this? Was it because he wasn’t doing enough to help him? Was it because he didn’t deserve to have so amazing beside him?

And it finally hit him that he never got to tell Suga that he loves him. He knew it all along, but he only comprehended it now. He felt his heart tear even more as he gripped the edge of the bench, trying to pull himself back to reality.

He felt overwhelmed, like he needed to get it out of his system, so he shouted into the dark that he loves Suga; that he’s sorry.

He shouted until his voice gave out, until his throat burned and begged for water, until his vision went blurry. He shouted as loud as he could, hoping the moon and stars would hear him one last time, hoping that one of the stars was Suga listening.

As his voice quieted to soft sobs interrupted by hiccups, Daichi felt the wind around him pick up. The cold he initially felt was replaced by warmth. The same warmth that Suga’s hugs brought. 

_The same warmth that felt like home._

_The same hugs that felt like home._

He continued sitting there, trying to remember the way the warmth wrapped around him, silently reassuring him that things would be okay. 

Once he’d finally calmed down, he made his way back to his room at the accommodation. He silently slipped in once again, avoiding all the creaks and unstable boards. 

Before he could get past the first few beds, he noticed something sitting on the desk by the door. As he tiptoed closer, he realised it was a bunch of flowers arranged neatly, with a folded card right in the middle. He didn’t have to open it to figure out who it came from.

His eyes welled up with tears as he slowly made his way to the desk, his hand shaking as he picked up and opened the card. After his eyes scanned over it, he couldn’t hold back the tears once more and let them fall freely.

**_‘Good job for making it past the first day, my love. It only gets harder from here, but I believe in the team, especially you, captain :). Thank you for fighting for me, now get some rest and prepare for tomorrow; I bet you’re exhausted. I love you Daichi, and good luck <3 - Suga’_ **

What Daichi or the rest of the team didn’t know was that before he left, Suga had a feeling they would make it to Nationals. So he went to the florist in advance and arranged for certain bouquets of flowers with corresponding cards at the end of each day.

As he clutched the card in his trembling hands, Daichi finally realised what home truly was.

Home is where you feel safe; happy. Home is where you feel love, healing, comfort. Home can be a person, or place, or thing. Home doesn’t have to be four walls. Home doesn’t have to be the place you live in. 

And so Daichi softly smiles as he accepts the fact that Suga was truly home because he wasn’t suffering anymore.

**That even though Daichi lost his home, he knew he’d be okay because at least Suga finally knows what home truly feels like.**

**Author's Note:**

> To be honest some of the scenes I've written were taken from real-life experiences and I tapped into certain emotions & memories for both Daichi and Suga. If any of you are or know someone going through something similar, don't be afraid to speak up/ask for help! Yes, it can be scary, but I realised having someone to talk to really helps even for a bit. I love all of you so much.


End file.
